Utterly befuddled by recent developments, incapable of crafting a simple apology that satisfies anyone, I hereby resign. I hereby resign, effective retroactively, as far back as the rules will bend without breaking. This is a blanket and preemptive resignation. I declare with one signature on this one piece of paper my resignation from everything forever. Unaffiliated am I! Had I grasped the prickliness of the position before accepting it, I would not have embraced it in the first place. I do apologize, my darling, for the countless ways I have failed you personally, but this is more general. Any enterprise in which I participate, any roles I may play I hereby resign; any groups that think they are affiliated with me or families that think I am kin. Kids, I’m sorry, this goes for you, too, nothing personal. I’ve seen the way they treat you. It’s better this way. I have disgraced my post, I’m sure, and depart the position, all positions, confident that my replacement will find more favor at whatever it is I was supposed to have been doing. I wanted to make a contribution, but I see now that was hubris. I resign with a sense of relief. My views were well-known, therefore suspect, likely offensive, and sold neither Pepsi nor Coke. I had a knack for the ill-timed comment, and now that a group I’ve been linked to has been linked to a group that’s been linked to Al Qaida, could I really have lasted much longer? Come squat with me on my cucumber farm, if you think it’s not too risky, dear. We’ll live in the green, make nourishment only, be vitamin-rich! Bring the kids if you know how to parent alone, unless you think the shape makes them a target for a boycott.

Copyright © April 14, 2007 David Hodges

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